Expensive
treatment Issy is not well and goes to see doctor Myers. After examining him,
doctor Myers says, "Well, I can help you, but it will require many sessions." "OK,"
says Issy, "how much is this going to cost me?" "The 12 sessions
plus drugs will cost you R1,000," replies doctor Myers. "Oy,"
says Issy, "I’m not a wealthy man, doctor. Couldn’t you make it
less?" "Well … I could do it for R850," replies doctor
Myers. "It’s still more than I can afford, doctor," says Issy,
"I’ve 3 children and a Jewish wife to support." "OK,"
says doctor Myers, "how about R700?" "It’s still too high,
doctor," says Issy. "My business is doing terrible and my wife has told
her mother that she can live with us." "Alright already," says
doctor Myers, "I’ll do it for R600 and not a penny less." "Thanks
doctor, I can accept that," says Issy. "Good," says doctor Myers,
"but tell me – why did you come to me to seek treatment when you know
I’m the most expensive doctor in this area?" "Well," replies
Issy, "you’ve got a marvellous reputation and when it comes to my health,
money is no object!"
Renee is a very caring lady who spends a lot of her
spare time visiting and helping sick members of her shul. Her car is also well
known in the community because it’s decorated all over with lots of Hebrew
decals and bumper stickers showing the Jewish charities she helps. One day,
as she is driving to one of the care homes she regularly visits, her car runs
out of petrol and splutters to a stop. "Oy veh," she says to herself,
"and just when I’m late." Fortunately, she notices a petrol
station only a few hundred yards away, so she walks to the station to get help.
"Hi," Renee says to the man behind the till, "I’ve run out
of petrol and I’m hoping you can lend me your petrol can. I’ll pay you
for the petrol I use and I’ll return your can as quickly as possible." The
attendant replies, "I’m sorry, lady, but I’ve lent out my one and
only can not more than 5 minutes ago. I’m expecting it back in about half
an hour, so if you want, you can wait here for it." But as she’s
behind schedule, Renee goes back to her car to find something that she could use
to fill with petrol. Then, what mazel, she notices the bedpan she always keeps
handy in case of patient need. So she takes the bedpan to the petrol station,
fills it and carries it back to her car. Two men are passing by and watch her
pour in the petrol. One turns to the other and says, "If the car starts,
I'm turning Jewish."
Mini car crashes into the back of Melvyn's Rolls
Royce as Melvyn is waiting to turn right. The Mini driver is furious. "Why
didn't you indicate?" he shouts. "What would have been the point?"
shrugs Melvyn, "If you couldn’t see my Rolls Royce, how could you have
seen my indicator?"
Moshe is always telling jokes and thinks he
could make a great stand-up comedian. So when one of his friends suggests he do
a try out, Moshe volunteers to entertain patients in one of the wards at a nearby
hospital. Moshe starts by telling the patients some jokes and finishes by singing
some funny songs. Just before he leaves, he says to the patients, "I hope
you all get better." One elderly male replies, "I hope you get better,
too."
One night, Moshe and Sadie, both in their
eighties, go to Blooms Restaurant. Moshe orders just one plate of salt beef, latkes
and new green cucumbers. Then, when it arrives, he tucks into his favourite food.
Sadie just sits there watching him enjoy himself. Shlomo, sitting at a table
nearby, notices that Sadie hasn't got a meal. He then gets quite upset when, with
plenty of food still left on his plate, Moshe puts down his knife and fork, removes
his napkin and puts it on the table. "How mean," thought Shlomo,
"the elderly lady is just sitting there without any food. Maybe they can't
afford two meals?" So Shlomo goes over to Sadie and says, "I hope
you won't be offended but I see you don't have anything to eat. Could I please
treat you to a meal? It would really make me happy if you said yes." Sadie
replies, "That's very kind of you but there is no need to worry about me.
My husband Moshe and I share everything 50/50 and now that he's eaten his half,
it will soon be my turn." "So what are you waiting for?" asks
Shlomo. "The teeth."
Sidney loved dogs. He thought
nothing of approaching any breed of dog, no matter how vicious a reputation it
had. One day, however, he tried to stroke a Rottweiler and it attacked him. So
serious was the attack that Sidney died of the injuries he sustained. If you
ever come across Sidney's grave, you will find these words inscribed on his headstone,
"HE HAD NO MAZEL"
One day, Avrahom meets Hymie at Brent
Cross shopping centre. "Nice to see you again, Hymie." he says.
"Nu, is this how my friend greets me?" says Hymie, "Aren't
you going to ask me how I am?" "So how are you, Hymie?" Avrahom
asks. "Don't ask." replies Hymie.
Max was crossing over Hendon
Road one day when he was hit by a bus. He was immediately rushed to Hendon hospital
and put in intensive care. A few day's later, Harry, his best friend, visits him.
"So how are things, Max?" Harry asks. "Not good. My wife
Leah visits me three times a day." "So what's bad about that?"
says Harry. "Every time she comes," replies Max, "she sits
at my bedside and reads to me." "What does she read?" asks
Harry. "My life insurance policy."
Benjy and Issy were in
conversation. Benjy says, "Did you know our synagogue has not one but two
podiatrists as members?" "Yes," replies Issy, "and did
you know that they have both just opened new clinics in the same street?"
"Well, that doesn't really surprise me," says Benjy with a gleam
in his eye, "after all, they were arch enemies."
Bernie and Estelle had
a big argument, which ended with neither one speaking to the other. This 'silence'
went on for three days. But then Bernie realised he needed Estelle's help because
he had an early morning flight to catch. However, he still couldn't bring himself
to talk to her so he wrote a note and left it on her pillow. It said, "Please
wake me at 5 am. I have to catch an early plane." Next morning, Bernie
woke and found to his horror that it was 9 am. He heard Estelle busy in the kitchen
and there was a note on his pillow. It said, "It's 5 am. Wake up."
One
early winter morning, Rabbi Bloom was walking beside the canal when he saw a dog
in the water trying hard to stay afloat. It looked so sad and exhausted that Rabbi
Bloom jumped in and after a struggle managed to bring it out alive. A passer
by saw this and said, "That was very brave of you. Are you a vet?" Rabbi
Bloom replied, "Of course I'm a vet? I'm a freezing cold as well."
Jacob
says to his doctor, "Doctor, my wife needs an appendix operation." His
doctor says, "But I took out your wife's appendix only a year ago. I've never
heard of a second appendix?" Jacob replies, "Maybe doctor, but have
you ever heard of a second wife?"
Moishe left the cold
climate of Edgware and went on holiday to Florida. His wife Becky, who was in
a Bridge competition, was planning to join him in Florida the next day. When
Moishe reached his hotel, he decided to send Becky a quick email to say he’d
arrived and all was well. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written
the email address she had given him, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his email was directed instead to an elderly
woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving woman
checked her email, she took one look at the screen, let out a piercing scream,
fainted and fell to the floor with a thud. At the sound, her family rushed into
the room and saw this email on the screen: “Dearest Wife, just got checked
in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband
P.S. Sure is hot down here.”
One Shabbos morning, during prayers,
there was a loud BOOM and a sudden flash of smoke appeared in the front of the
synagogue. When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw this frightening
figure in red, complete with horns, pitchfork and tail and a Jewish Yarmulke.
Immediately, the congregation panicked. People rushed to the back of the
synagogue trying to get away. The devil watched the retreat with great glee, but
his mood was disturbed by the sight of one man still relaxing comfortably in the
third row right side in his pew. Angrily the devil thundered, "Do you
not know who I am?" Morris replied in a nonchalant way, "Sure I
do." The devil was extremely puzzled. "Do you not fear me?"
"Nope! Not at all!" came the reply. "Why not?"
Morris snorted, "What for? I’ve been married to your sister for 35 years!"
Rabbi Bloom is walking down the street one day when he notices a very
small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the
boy is very short and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching
the boy's efforts for some time, Rabbi Bloom moves closer to the boy's position
and calls out to him, "Would you like some assistance?" The little
boy responds "NO!" Rabbi Bloom continues to watch as he crosses
the street and walks up behind the little fellow. He places his hand kindly on
the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching
down to the child's level, Rabbi Bloom smiles benevolently and asks, "Is
there anything else I can help you with, my little man?" To which the
boy replies, "Yes, run like hell!"
Moishe had been married
4 times. He was now approaching 80 years old and went to see his doctor. When
he was shown in to see the doctor, he said, “Doctor, I have to let you know
that I am soon to get married for a fifth time – to an 18 year old girl.”
His doctor replied, “This could be fatal, you know.” Moishe
replied, “Well, if she dies, then she dies.”
Business
Partners Cohen and Levy are both in the antique business across the street
from each other, and have been for years. Cohen hates Levy - he thinks he's a
gonniff and; a liar and; an ignorant bum, and says so publicly. Levy thinks the
same about Cohen. One day Levy leaves the door open to his shop and goes
out for a few minutes. Cohen takes the opportunity to walk across the street and
steal a magic lantern Levy has in the window. He gets it back to his shop and
can't resist rubbing it. Naturally a genie pops out of the lantern. "Cohen",
says the genie, "because you have released me from a thousand years of confinement
in the lantern, I will grant you one wish - anything you want - money, power,
fame, anything. But because the lamp belongs to Levy, whatever it is you get,
Levy will get twice as much." "You mean," says Cohen, "if
I ask for a million dollars, Levy gets two million?" "That's right,"
says the genie, "and if you ask for a beautiful woman, Levy gets two beautiful
women." "All right, genie," says Cohen. "I know what
I want." "What's that?" "I wish I were half dead."
Oy Yoy Yoy Three bubbes sitting on a park bench.
The first one lets out a heartfelt "Oy!" A few minutes later,
the second bubbe sighs deeply and says "Oy vey!" A few minutes
after that, the third lady brushes away a tear and moans, "Oy veyizmir!"
To which the first bubbe replies: "I thought we agreed we weren't going
to talk about our children!"
Man and Wife
An Israeli mayor in a small town is walking past a construction site with his
wife. One of the construction workers stops and calls out to the woman. "What's
new, Sara?" "Why, it's nice to see you again Avi," the woman
replies. She turns to introduce her husband to the construction worker, and they
speak for several minutes. After the mayor and his wife continue on, he turns
to his wife to ask how she knows him. "Oh," she said. "We
went together in high school. I even thought about marrying him." The
husband began to laugh. "You don't realize how lucky you are. If I hadn't
come along, today you would be the wife of a construction worker!" The
wife replied without hesitation, "Not really. If I had married him, he'd
now be a mayor!"
What's In A Name?
A young Jewish guy develops a crush on a girl, but when he tells his Father about
her, the old boy just wants to know her family name. When the young guy tells
him that the girl's name is Ford, the old boy tells him that Ford is not a good
Jewish name, and he must forget her, and go and find a nice Jewish girl. So time
passes, and the young guy finds another girl, but her name is Austin, so his Father
tells him the same thing, to find a nice Jewish girl with a nice Jewish name.
So more time passes, and the young guy finds another girl, but this time he is
sure that he has solved the problem because the girl's name is Goldberg. "Goldberg
!" exclaims his Father, "This makes me very happy because it is a real
good Jewish name, and from a good established family" Then he asks what her
first name is. "Is it one of my favourite names, like Rachael, or Rebecca
?" "No Father" replied the young guy. "It's Whoopi"
Election Day
The first Jewish President is elected. He calls his Mother: "Mama, I've
won the elections, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."
"I don't know, what would I wear?" "Don't worry, I'll
send you a dressmaker" "But I only eat kosher food" "Mama,
I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food" "But
how will I get there?" "I'll send a limo,just come mama"
"Ok Ok, if it makes you happy. The great day comes and Mama is seated
between the Supreme Court Justices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges
the gentleman on her right. "You see that boy, the one with his hand on the
Bible" "His brother's a doctor!"
Actual writings in a Mpumalanga
Hospital Register 1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has
no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient has left white blood cells at
another hospital. 4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant
with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 5. She has no
rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last
night.. 6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year. 7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared. 8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears
to be depressed. 9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing
me in 1993. 10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission. 11.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentlly alert but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. She is numb
from her toes down. 14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry. 16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 18. Rectal examination revealed a
normal size thyroid. 19. She stated that she had been constipated for most
of her life, until she got a divorce. 20. I saw your patient today, who
is still under our car for physical therapy. 21. Both breasts are equal
and reactive to light and accommodation. 22. Examination of genitalia reveals
that he is circus sized. 23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present. 25. The pelvic exam will be done later
on the floor. 26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 27. Patient
has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
ONE-LINER
JEWISH JOKES The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish
women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that it is due to the fact
that Won Ton spelled backwards is Not Now.
There's big controversy on the Jewish
view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable
until after it graduates from medical school.
Why don't Jewish mothers
drink? Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Have you seen the newest
Jewish-American Princess horror movie? It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."
What's
a Jewish American Princess' favorite position? Facing Tiffany's.
When the
doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied,
"So did my arthritis."
A Jewish boy come home from school and
tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful? What
part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "You go back and tell the teacher you want a
speaking part."
Where does the Jewish husband hide his money from his
wife? Under the vacuum cleaner.
What's the difference between a Rottweiler
and a Jewish Mother? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go."
A Jewish
telegram: "Start worrying. Details to follow."
I once
wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . . they have no holidays. - Henny
Youngman
Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. -Richard
Lewis
My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking
Canada. - David Steinberg
Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting
would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated
one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I
was that one. - Mel Brooks
The time is at hand when the wearing of a
prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of
course, the man is Jewish. - Jules Farber
Even if you are Catholic,
if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are
going to be goyish even if you are Jewish. - Lenny Bruce
God, I know
we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change?
- Shalom Aleichem
The remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years
she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
- Calvin Trillin
Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He
took us 40 years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the
Middle East that has no oil! - Golda Meir
Even a secret agent can't
lie to a Jewish mother. - Peter Malkin
Humility is no substitute for
a good personality. - Fran Lebowitz
My idea of an agreeable person is
a person who agrees with me. - Benjamin Disraeali
It's so simple to
be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. - Sam
Levinson
Don't be humble; you are not that great. - Golda Meir
G_d
will pardon me. It's His business. - Heinrich Heine
I went on a diet,
swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in 14 days I had lost exactly two weeks.
- Joe E. Lewis
Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money
in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors. - Sam Goldwyn
A
spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. - Sam Goldwyn
Everybody
likes a kidder but nobody loans him money - Arthur Miller
I have enough
money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something. - Jackie Mason
I
don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality
through not dying. - Woody Allen
Marriage is a wonderful institution.
But who wants to live in an institution? - Groucho Marx
Whoever called
it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. - Groucho Marx
A politician
is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it. - Oscar Levant
Too
bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis
and cutting hair. - George Burns
A committee is a group that keeps minutes
and loses hours. - Milton Berle
I don't want any yes-men around me I
want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs. - Sam
Goldwyn
Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
- Ernie Kovacs
With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place
to stink. - George Burns
When I bore people at a party, they think it
is their fault. - Henry Kissinger
Bubba applied for an engineering position
at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both
applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the
manager. Upon com- pletion of the test, both men only missed one of the
questions.
The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for
your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job." Bubba
asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions
correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should
get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision
not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you
both missed.
"Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect
answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba,
its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down; "I don't know."
You put down, "Neither do I."
Jewish telegram: "Start
worrying. Details to follow." Did you hear about the bum who walked up
to the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three
days." "Force yourself" she replied.
Abe
and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their
40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines
have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see
an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However,
the odds are that we will may never be rescued and will have to live on the island
for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane
lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and
asks, "Esther, did ve pay our charity pledge cheque to ze Beth Shalom Synagogue
yet?" "No, sveetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken
from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did ve pay our United Jewish
Appeal pledge?" "Oiy, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send ze cheque,"
she says.
"Vun last ting, Esther. Did you remember to send ze check for
the Synagogue Building Fund zis month," he asks? "Oiy, forgive me, Abe,"
begged Esther. "I didn't sent zat vun either." Abe grabs her and
gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "
So, vy did you kiss me?" Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together,
they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The
first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I
sent her a Lexus with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got
you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she
can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire
Bible. It took Shammos in the shul 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton,"
she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room,
but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote
to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so
I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest
Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know
what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
A Jewish mother's answering
machine: If you want lox and eggs, press 1; If you want knishes
press 2; If you want chicken soup, press 3; If you want matzoh balls
with the soup, press 4;
If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling
the wrong number since NOBODY ever asks me how I am feeling. Who knows? I could
even be dead by now.
Did you hear that El Al and Al Italia
are merging? Oh yeh. They're going to call it "Vel I Tell Ya"
My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time we visited,
I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile,
she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
Boy comes home from school, very excited. Tells his mother he has a part in
the school play. "What part do you play?" asks his mother.
"I get to play the part of a Jewish husband"" he replies.
The mother-- "Go back to school and tell the teacher to give you a speaking
part."
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan!
Write. POB74.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks
same in woman.
Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen
desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing.
Under 30 is also OK. POB 64
Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate,
seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house.
POB 46
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light
Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses,
bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. PB 658
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No
skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78
Female graduate student,
studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos,
please. POB 56
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male
who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just
forget it. POB 435
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my
behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.
POB 555
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's
try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43
80-year-old bubby, no
assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I
can dream, can't I? POB 545
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you
can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets.
Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB
86.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made.
Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53
THE JEWISH MOTHER
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and
said: 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days. 'Force yourself,' she replied.
IF YOUR COMPUTER WERE JEWISH 1. Your "Start"
button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!"
button. 2. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault"
error, your PC would get "Ferklempt". 3. "Year 2000"
problems are replaced by "Year 6000" problems. 4. Hanukkah
screen savers will have "Flying Dreidels". 5. Your PC shuts
down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings. 6. After your computer
dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours. 7. "Abort, Retry,
Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already - you're killing me!
You vant I should try it again?, I didn't hear that!". 8. When
disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed
to "Remove the cable from your PC's tuchis". 9. Your multimedia
player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!" 10.
Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper
right corner. 11. You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila"
during startup. 12. Microsoft Office would include "A little
byte of this, and a little byte of that". 13. When running "Scandisk",
you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message. 14. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud
"Oy!!!" 15. A "monitor cleaning solution" from
Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the "schmutz" on your
monitor. 16. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloffen."
17. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
Making It Kosher A Rabbi
was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a pious and
learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments. The rabbi
started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified
to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one). Standing
at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu.
A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying a platter full of spare
ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could
not bear to think about. As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began
to eat this food, the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend,
for he could take it no longer. "Morris, what is this you are doing?
I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it
in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent
enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!" Morris replied,
"Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?" (Rabbi nods yes) "Did
you see me order this meal?" (again he nods yes) "Did you see
the waiter bring me this food?" (again he nods yes) "And did
you see me eat it?" (nods yes) "Then, Rabbi, I don't see the problem
here. The entire meal was done under Rabbinical supervision!"
